


Blacklight

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Neurodivergent Karkat Vantas, POV Karkat Vantas, Self-Harm, TW:, its 3am, like a SHITTON of angst, self projection. Its all self projection, suicide ideation, vent thing lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:34:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28039263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Your mental state has gone through so much incredibly tiring bullshit it’s turned against you.
Kudos: 5





	Blacklight

**Author's Note:**

> UMMM LIKE MAJOR TW FOR KINDA GRAPHIC SELF HARM, SUICIDE IDEATION AND OTHER STUFF. Please don't read this if you're going through something difficult, this is more of a vent thing. !!NO I AM NOT ROMANTICISZING ANY OF THIS!!! I wanna make clear that I don't think that any of this is positive, cute, or good in ANY WAY. I fcking hate it but i cope with stuff by depicting it. Im really sorry if this triggers you in any way. iTs mostly based on personal experience and other stuff. Please don't take this too seriously as its nothing but a vent thing that I felt like posting.I was in a very bad spot when I wrote that and i still kinda am. ANYWAY self projection time. 😼😻🐱👁👁

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you’re all alone in your own block.

The fact that all of your friends are gone. Either dead, or have probably moved on and don’t even care about you anymore has been perplexing you for the past hour or so. Why were you even expecting something good to come out of this stupid sgrub session in the first place? You thought you could be a good leader, but you’re nothing more than the reason why half of your friends are dead and the other half doesn’t even bother to talk to you anymore. 

Your best friend who also happens to be your moirail is a psychopathic murderer and he barely bothers to check up on you like a normal moirail should. Your other best friend, Sollux fucked off with Aradia to fuck-knows-where because he had much better shit to do than to spend time with your lonely ass. In all honesty, you wouldn’t spend time with yourself either.

It became even worse ever since the humans have arrived on this piece of shit flying rock. Terezi now spends all of her time with Dave and you barely get to talk to her anymore, no matter how many times you’ve tried to get her attention, and Kanaya’s probably sucking tongues with Rose. And now, you’re left all alone.

Look at how quickly and easily they moved on once they’ve been confronted with people much better than you in every single way possible. Though, can you really act like you’re surprised when all you’ve done so far was being a bossy asshole? You feel terrible. Why are you acting like you’re entitled to spending time with the ones you care about when they clearly stopped caring about you a while ago?

Why are you being such a fucking wriggler about all of this? You know it. Ever since you’ve become friends with them, you kept wondering when they were going to stop talking to you and eventually move on. 

Because it’s always how it is. Everyone on the meteor seems to have their shit gathered together except you… and Gamzee, you suppose. But the Gamzee you knew is long gone.

The ridiculous amount of fiction and romcoms you’ve been binge-watching helps you forget your troubles for a small while before you inevitably snap back into reality. The reality being that you’re nothing but a lonely piece of shit who managed to achieve nothing but a pantheon of ruined relationships. You’re well aware of the fact that not even the best kind of fiction can save you from the monster that is your loneliness, but do you even have any better alternatives? Other than putting an end to your miserable life, you don’t think so.

But you know that you’re too much of a coward to actually do that. Because you can’t even manage to do anything, not even gathering the fucking globes to actually succeed at killing yourself. So you settled with shady and unhealthy coping mechanisms instead, such as regularly inflicting pain onto yourself. Because that’s exactly what you deserve.

To pay for all of the harm that you’ve done.

So far today, you’ve mostly been binge-watching the same movies over and over again while trying to repress those urges. You ended up sitting in an embarrassingly angsty position on the floor, hugging your knees close to your chest while feeling like your soul and your entire body is being sucked out of reality. Is this even real? What if it’s just a bad nightmare that you can possibly get out of? You always have nightmares. That’s why you barely even sleep anymore! So it would make sense for you to just be dreaming. You just want to wake up in a world where everything is fine.

Your mental state has gone through so much incredibly tiring bullshit it’s turned against you.

You wish your friends could notice how bad you’ve been. But that would make you an attention whore. And you aren’t that, so there’s no fucking way you’re going to parade your sadness and ask for help. Not only would that make you an attention whore, but also a fucking coward. You don’t need help. 

You’ve never needed help in your entire life. You’ve got everything under control, right?!

That is before your thinking process begins going absolutely shitnuts and you begin hearing things.

Why are you like this -- You’re a piece of shit. This is why everyone leaves you. -- What if they never even liked you in the first place? -- Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. -- No you’re not going to shut up. This is true. Stop trying to deny the truth. -- But it fucking hurts. -- Then you’re a -- Coward. 

Every single one of those voices keeps ringing in your head relentlessly, no matter how much you want them to shut the fuck up. You start tugging at your own hair, you really hate when it gets completely out of hand. You wish your head was a quiet place, where none of those voices are so fucking loud. You want them all to shut up. You can barely hear yourself in this fucking thinkpan, it’s unbearable. 

There’s probably only one way of actually achieving temporary silence, and it’s to feel something physical! Be it either arousal or pain, you don’t give a shit. You just want your thoughts to stop tormenting you so badly. Are those even thoughts? What if they’re just your dead friends? Fuck fuck fuck, no, no, stop thinking about that. Stop. 

A small whimper escapes your throat as you dig your nails deep into your skin, blinded by what seems to be anger. Fuck, it stings a lot but at least you can feel like you can finally breathe now. The relaxing feeling of finally being able to experience something other than yourself reveals itself as pleasant, and incites you to keep going deeper until you simply begin to scratch your arms out. You’ll spare the details out of your inner monologue for the sake of whoever is reading this but it only proves itself as another reason why you’re worth nobody’s time. The assumption alone that you’ve ever been worth anyone’s time is straight-up fucking stupid.

Once you notice those voices quiet up a little, you immediately get ripped out of your reality-altering state by the intense stinging in your left arm. Fuck, it’s bleeding. Somewhat. The sight of your own blood sickens you and you immediately look away, however, it’s not like you’re going to do anything about it. You did this to feel better and you did for a short period of time, however, it only makes you feel like you’ve been thrown into a deeper pit of self-hatred and hopelessness than you’ve ever been before.

You’re all alone now, and you’ve got nobody to help you here except yourself.


End file.
